Is Bad at Blog.

Currently, I am lying in bed next my man (whom I loooooove.) He is passed out. It is 2:11 a.m. and I am not. Isn't that how so many of these posts start? Someone ranting incessantly about their chronic insomnia? Well, this isn't that usual for me. I'm usually the one conked out at 9 p.m. on a Saturday, during a marathon of Gilmore Girls, while he forces me to get up before I fall deep in to REM sleep, so I can brush my teeth. I groan angrily at him, and stomp off to the bathroom, while he shakes his head at me. It's a nightly routine.

Moving on. It has been approximately a year since I updated this blog. I am so bad at blogs. But maybe this time I can make it work. I always say that. But seriously! I have come a very long way since last year, and so much has happened. And I feel like more things will happen. And when those things happen events will occur! And it is my duty to blog about them! Or bitch. Probably mostly bitch, since that is why I started this specific blog.

The school year is about to start again, and I am back at Concordia, in the grand ol' city of Montreal, so there will be PLENTY to bitch about. Montreal is the most ass backwards city of all time to live in, and I am reminded of it daily. I love it, but also desperately can't wait to graduate, or hopefully get into UNC so I can move, far, far away from this strange place where they drink bagged milk. That's right. Milk, in bags. You see what I mean?

Well I suppose there isn't much to bitch about at the moment though. We are moving in a couple days to a new apartment, and out of the one we currently share with hippies. Yes, hippies. My mortal enemy. I Hank Hill hate hippies. If Hank Hill and Richard Nixon had a baby, and that baby had a baby with Cartman, I would hate hippies as much as that child. So you can just imagine my ecstasy at the approaching day.

Well, until then I suppose. Who knows, I may not turn up again for another year. We'll see.

Why I Will Never Attend a Tea Ceremony Again. Ever.

I could start by introducing myself. But that just feels weird. Basically, I'd be introducing myself to the internet. And the internet is not a person, or a living thing. That's like introducing yourself to your breakfast.

"Hello, bowl of Captain Crunch. I am going to devour you now."

Ok. I admit. Maybe I actually do that. BUT, only because I like to pretend I am the most dominant being in the universe, and everything must fear my wrath, and its always more menacing when you introduce yourself first. Like "hey, I'm going to be your best friend, and we'll ride ponies and eat cake and- WAIT NOPE, I'm actually going to destroy you."

Inigo Montoya did it in Princess Bride. He introduced himself over and over again. And that six-fingered, motherfucker was terrified of him in the end.

So I suppose if I look at it that way, introducing myself could potentially make billions of internet people bow down to me in complete submission.

Well then! Hiya! Where to begin? Well, I'm a person. A girl person to be exact. Daily activities include, eating, breathing, sleeping, school, and being tall. Sometimes there is also socializing. Socializing usually involves 2-10 other persons of my acquaintance, and litres upon litres of alcoholic beverages.

I come from a vast and beautiful country, you probably haven't heard of. It's called Canada. It's a pretty new place, so that might not be the final name.*

Something you should know about me, is that I am deceptively sweet. On the outside, I'm all happy and polite and caring, and generally a pleasant person. But what you can't see is the bitterness flowing through my veins. Deep inside my soul is a foul-mouthed, angry, evil, harpy, hell-bitch, that from time to time manages to escape.

And that is what this blog is for! It is for me to bitch about all the stupid, pitiful, and generally disappointing things about the world. But it's also for me to tell you about my life. But more about the bitching.

Speaking of my life, and bitching, you are probably wondering about the title of this post! You're probably thinking, "why wouldn't you want to attend a tea ceremony? Those are lovely! Everyone is always dressed fancy, and there's those little cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off."

Well, guess what? Tea ceremonies have been ruined for me. FOREVER. (Quick side note. I was asking my friend if it is grammatically correct to say "for forever" or just "forever." And he said, its just "forever." Even though forever is an amount of time. So if you were saying "for three hours" but instead of "three hours" you wanted to say "forever" it seems logical that you would say "for forever." But apparently, according to him, that's redundant. To which I replied, "your face is redundant." I win. Moving on.)

It happened the other day at school. This semester I am attending the University of British Columbia. UBC's campus is massive. Its basically its own country. And, to me, it seems to have absolutely no order or organization to it whatsoever. Just buildings and streets plunked wherever. Maybe its just because the map is printed in blue ink and because I have this defect where I am incapable of understanding things printed in blue ink.

I met up with my best friend so she could show me around campus. UBC is quite beautiful. It has lots trees and plants and all that good naturey stuff. We came to the Asian gardens at the bottom of campus, and my friend wanted to go in. From fifteen feet away I spotted the creepy gate attendant, and already I was reluctant. I could just sense something off, about him. You know that feeling you get when you're walking in a busy park, and you smell dog shit, and its not going away no matter where you walk, and suddenly you've realized that you've stepped in the dog shit, but you don't want to look at your shoe because then everyone around will know you've stepped in dog shit? It was kind of like that feeling.

We approached the gate, and the gatekeeper had already locked eyes on us from ten feet away. His eyes got wider and wider as we approached, thus increasing his creepiness level exponentially, with every step we took.






At this point I'm like, "fuck this dude is going to eat our brains." And before I can even think of a reason to turn around and leave, the guy asks us for our student IDs, because it costs money if you're not a student. Now, not half an hour prior to this, I tried to get my ID, but they needed government issued photo ID, and this past Friday I had gone to renew my learner's license, but I failed the knowledge test and they took away my old one.

So creepy guy is all, "if you don't have your student ID, it costs money." And I'm all, "oh well, the garden isn't going anywhere. I'll come back." Meanwhile, I had just purchased my textbooks and was hauling them around campus with me in my arms. I wasn't really that disappointed though, since gardens are really not something I absolutely have to see.

So I say, "I'll just come back," in a fairly unenthusiastic tone. Then creepy gate guy looks at me. But he doesn't just look at me, he looks at me with wide-eyed, maniacal, serial-killer, rapist eyes and says in the scariest most whimsical, whispery, murderer voice, "Yes. You might want to take in a tea ceremony on the 25th."

This is what I heard:


"I'm going to come to your house, dressed in my mother's clothing, yes just like Norman Bates bitch! I will come right on through your window, and cut you up into tiny pieces!"

But, I also heard:

"Yes. You should come too our special tea ceremony on the 25th, that's actually a cult/murder ceremony, where you will die!"

I swear to god I didn't even take a moment to think. I was already walking back up that hill as fast as possible. I did not want this terrifying gate man being able to sense my fear any further. All I could think was that he could probably smell my fear, and knew that if he managed to keep me there long enough he'd be able to get some slice of information on where he could find me, so he could stab me. By the time I got up the hill, I was thinking it was already too late.

Alas, I am still alive (for now) and now I'm pretty pissed, because I will never be able to eat cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off again, without imagining that guy's face.

And that concludes the first, of many examples, of how other people ruin my life on a daily basis.





*If it was up to me, I would call it Narnia, or that word that is made of all the vowels- Eunoia.